Slap Chop Gripe (updated Oct 2012 )

[Daninski]

Ok so I got a slapchop for my Birthday. This dirty sonofabitch Vince convinced me that this invention would save time, and help me eat healthy, so I put it on my Birthday "wish list". Well, let me tell you what this holy terror of a kitchen utensil does.....absolutely nothing.

Let's look at a few things:

1. This thing is made of plastic and has a sharp blade hooked to a sprung and a plunger. This is a poor combination to begin with.

2. The slapchop is about the size of a coffee grinder, which means to you need to slapchop size your food prior to actually using the slapchop. In order to do that you need a knife, if I have a knife in my hand already I may as well chop the f * ckin vegetable right then and there.

3. One slap for large sizes, 2 slaps for smaller sizes, three slaps for a fine dice....f * ck you.

Here's what it actually goes like. One slap, twist and pry on plunger because vegetable is wedged in the cutting mechanism. Two slaps, still f---ing wedged and no smaller than the last slap.... why? because the f * cking blade didn't actually cut anything..it just did a quarter turn with potato stuffed inside. Three slaps, another quarter turn and now your potato is wedged so far into the f * cking machine the plunger won't come out.

Now since the veg is stuffed deep inside this devil contraption you must now take the damn thing apart, easier said than done. Vince says "its easy as one two three" F * CK YOU VINCE!

Its easy to take apart sans potato stuffing however once those blades are full it becomes more difficult.

Picture this, a slapchop full of potato, the plunger is stuffed all the way to the bottom so you can't undo the top part, and it won't turn enough to pry the bottom protector part off.

Now keep in mind that this contraption has a sharp f * cking blade in it...so using your fingers to pry out the potato chunks is ill advised. What do you do? Get a tool if course....now because you already had to cut your vegetable to slapchop size you happen to have a knife close by. It only makes sense to use that to dig out the jammed veg.

Ahem...at this point the slapchop is no longer a slapchop, it suddenly becomes a spring loaded vegetable cannon!

As soon as you wiggle a tiny piece of the vegetable in question out of harms way you can fully expect to get showered in large chunks of potato
(or onion, or peppers)...remember these are large chunks that fly fast and hard....because this stupid f * cking device hasn't actually CUT ANYTHING!

I am going to personally kill the man that invented this g*ddamn thing...in fact I'm going to use it on his nuts....because Vince says it works great on nuts...in fact so well that we are going to love his nuts.

DO NOT BUY A SLAPCHOP.

I'm ok with the shamwow....of course its a rag so its pretty hard to f * ck that up.

[Ryan]

Danny, you're my favorite person so far today

[solo_ryder]

Vote to sticky. This thread is full of win

[Mi|<E]

But it prevents you from using a hammer on your nuts!

Try smacking the sh*t out of it, all the reviews say to slap it like
it owes you money.

[Dark_Rider2k3]

best thread I've seen so far.. in fact, I can guarantee I won't see one as good today, this automatically wins "thread of the day"

[fowljesse]

You're doing it wrong. Watch the video again. Note his limp-wrist style. You have to slap like it with a firm, yet supple palm, and jerk just right so that it realeases your fruit & 2 veg, nuts, Cucumber... whatever, without getting stuck. Maybe you can lube the shaft, for a more satisfying release. Just relax, and let it happen. You can't just pound on it. If you need help, find a nightclub with rainbows on it and a loud "OOMP-tiss, OOMP-tiss" sound coming out. There will be plenty of men in there that would be willing to help you with your hand technique that very night. I guarentee they're going to love your nuts.

[Daninski]

Damn it I'm a cook not a philantrapist Jim. I watched the movie The Bird Cage twice to try and get the slap down pat and it just didn't happen. My wrist is too stiff, I'm good with a framing hammer tho. Maybe it's a weight issue. Lets stick with soft fruits, figs and such and leave the egg plant and rudabaggis to the pro's. I'm back to using my french fry cutter for now..

[ice_mann]

I can safely say that this thread has put the first smile of the day on my face...lol... But I know what you mean my nanna bought one and every time that she thinks that it might be useful in the kitchen all I hear is "f**king piece of sh*t, I cant believe that I acctually paid for this!!".

[RS_OBD'oh_2]

Lol great read, thanks Dan and everyone else

"OOMP-TISS" lol

[TrevorTheGallant]

you guys seen the slap chop rap???

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zy9WJgOrUUA" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

funniest s--- ever

[_-Night-Shade-_]

you guys seen the slap chop rap???

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zy9WJgOrUUA" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

funniest s--- ever

HAHAHA Dude that's awesome! It actually makes boring sh*t like that much more entertaining to watch!

[solo_ryder]

Hey Dan...

[Daninski]

Screw em

[Sleeper6]

Lol I just fell over laughing so hard, the sad part is now I have to convince my girl not to get one.

-btw jesse, that was completely hilarious rofl

[TrevorTheGallant]

hahahaha great motivational