How to Be a Riceboy.
Posted: September 12th, 2002, 11:11 am
Have you ever wanted to argue with muscle car owners and assert the<BR>superiority of your own car, but found this to be difficult because you had<BR>a slow car, relatively little automotive knowledge, and underdeveloped<BR>communications skills? Well, now you can still get V8 owners angry anyway,<BR>by following these simple rules which cover most of the situations you may<BR>find yourself in during online or face to face arguments. <BR>1. Image <BR>Remember, your image is extremely important as a riceboy. Therefore, make<BR>every effort to point out how popular the rice scene is. Appeal to how many<BR>people are building cars like yours. Brag about how the import scene is more<BR>than just a trend; it's a revolution. The urge to conform is a powerful<BR>force, and use it to your advantage whenever possible. <P>2. Opinions <BR>In a debate, your opinions count as much as real facts. If you think that<BR>Mustangs are ugly, that counts for just as much against them as being a<BR>whole second faster in the quarter mile. Remember, facts take time to look<BR>up, whereas opinions only take seconds to dream up. <P>3. Horsepower <BR>To estimate your own car's horsepower, take the stock hp rating, and add in<BR>the highest estimated power gain from each mod you have done. To estimate<BR>the horsepower of an American car, take its stock horsepower rating, and<BR>deduct 10 to 25 hp for it being a POS. Make no adjustments for mods.<BR>Remember, Japanese horsepower is better quality than the horsepower found in<BR>an American car. If you don't know how much horsepower an American car has,<BR>assume it has either 30 hp per liter, or 200 hp, whichever is less. If you<BR>only have the engine size in cubic inches and don't know how to convert it<BR>to liters, make up for this by talking about how much English units suck. <BR>You can never emphasize hp/liter ratios too much. Always brag about how this<BR>is more efficient, and just ignore ignorant comments like, "Well, the S2000<BR>makes 120 hp per liter, but it guzzles gas like a V8!" People who make these<BR>comments just don't understand that Japanese cars are always more efficient<BR>just because they are Japanese, and Japanese have more efficient technology.<BR>If somebody reminds you that your car still has less horsepower, talk about<BR>what would happen if Honda built a V8 with the same specific output as a<BR>Type R, or about what kind of performance a Mustang would have if it had<BR>only half the engine size. Some domestic trivia buffs may be able to come up<BR>with examples of small, high performance American engines. Just ignore these<BR>remarks; you're not likely to win if you try arguing about such cars.<BR>Concentrate on V8's instead. <P>4. Weight <BR>Assume all imports weigh approximately 2,500 lbs, including Eclipses and<BR>Supras. Extremely lightweight cars like the CRX and Miata are exceptions.<BR>These should be assumed to weigh under 2,000 lbs. Assume all domestics weigh<BR>over 3,200 lbs at least, preferably over 3,800 lbs. The exceptions are<BR>really huge cars, such as the Chevy Impala or Crown Vics. These land yachts<BR>should be assumed to weigh over 5,000 lbs. If a domestic owner mentions<BR>something which you have no choice but to admit can't weigh that much, make<BR>fun of whatever POS he's come up with, and claim nobody in his right mind<BR>would want to be seen in something so ugly. See section 8, Pintos. <BR>Never, ever actually look up the curb weight of a car. If you make up your<BR>own weight figures, you can make the difference in weight look all that much<BR>more impressive. Constantly brag about power to weight ratios and how<BR>imports are better in that respect, even if somebody does the math and<BR>proves that many stock domestics have better power to weight ratios than<BR>your car. <P>5. Handling <BR>Japanese cars handle better than American ones, and small FWD American cars<BR>handle better than pony cars. This is to be taken as an article of faith;<BR>you don't need any evidence to claim this, and shouldn't bother trying to<BR>bring up any evidence. Most domestic owners are primarily concerned with<BR>drag racing, so they seldom study enough about handling to argue this point.<BR>If someone does attempt to argue this, reply with some mumbo jumbo about how<BR>solid axles date back to the days of horse drawn wagons, and leave it at<BR>that. Do this even if your own car has a solid axle rear suspension. Also<BR>emphasize that light weight means better handling. See section 4, Weight.<BR>Emphasize that a large V8 up front makes for poor weight distribution, and<BR>neglect the fact that FWD cars frequently have even worse weight<BR>distribution. <P>6. Milage <BR>Brag about how much more mileage your car gets as often as possible. This is<BR>one area where you can be relatively certain your car performs better than<BR>muscle cars. The fact that muscle car owners usually don't care too much<BR>about mileage doesn't matter. Some may be content to get 25 mpg or so with a<BR>modern fuel injected pony car, so claim without proof that their cars really<BR>get 16 mpg or worse. Assume that older big block muscle cars get less than<BR>one mile per gallon. Always use city mileage estimates for domestics, and<BR>highway mileage estimates for imports, to make the gap seem as large as<BR>possible. <P>7. Quality control and reliability <BR>American cars should be presumed to be built to 1978 levels of quality<BR>control. When you wish to demonstrate how much more reliable your car is,<BR>use either Consumer Reports or an account of some American car built in the<BR>late 70's or early 80's that some family member owned and afterwards swore<BR>never to by another American car. Brag about how your car is going to last<BR>150,000 miles, and state that none of the domestics owned by your critics<BR>will last that long, even if some of them have somehow managed to keep a<BR>domestic car on the road for over 200,000 miles with an unrebuilt engine.<BR>Remember, closing your mind is your best defense about being confused by<BR>facts. <P>8. Pintos <BR>The Pinto should be used as an example of how badly built American cars are.<BR>Treat all American compact cars as modern day descendants of the Pinto.<BR>Ignore any comments about sick minded people who have either raced Pintos or<BR>stuffed V8's into them, or people with a sick devotion to meaningless trivia<BR>who have memorized such obscure data as the fact that only 27 Pintos ever<BR>caught fire due to being rear ended. Remember, image is what counts here,<BR>not reality. Pintos have a horrible reputation, and you should use it for<BR>all it's worth. <P>9. Progress and technology <BR>It's an indisputable fact that cars have become better built, more powerful,<BR>and more reliable since the late 70's. Since you were probably born sometime<BR>in the late 70's or early 80's, what was built before then doesn't count<BR>anyway, so you can safely assume that newer is always better. Remember, many<BR>American V8's were designed even before the 70's, so they must be even worse<BR>than the cars designed in that decade. <BR>Never pass up an opportunity to mention any kind of technology found in your<BR>car that is not found in traditional American muscle cars. It doesn't matter<BR>how useful or useless this technology is, if it was invented by the<BR>Japanese, or even if you have a clue as to what it does; proclaim it to be a<BR>sign of Japanese technological superiority. However, you should at least<BR>make an effort to spell the name of the innovation correctly. <P>10. Street racing <BR>The best way to estimate the performance of your car is by what you've been<BR>able to beat in a street race. Your kill stories should have the best spin<BR>on them possible. For example, if you drive past a parked Corvette, claim<BR>you found a Corvette and blew by it like it was standing still. They don't<BR>have to know that it really was standing still. Or race vehicles such as<BR>dump trucks and conversion vans so you can claim you beat an American V8.<BR>Never post a timeslip if you can avoid it. <P>11. Magazines <BR>Study up well on magazines like Consumer Reports and Super Street. They<BR>provide great arguing material. It's best to avoid magazines that cater to<BR>the enemy. Don't even touch books that cover serious, in-depth analysis of<BR>engine or chassis tuning. Your status as a riceboy is at stake here. <P>12. When all else fails <BR>If you can't refute anything the people you are arguing with say, call them<BR>rednecks and/or accuse them of being gay. These will get them angry without<BR>actually requiring you to think about their arguements.
