SuperK Needs Some Words of Encouragement

[SuperK]

Hey guys, I'm not doing too well.

SuperK is hitting disappointment after disappointment. I'm trying to keep my chin up, but that little voice in the back of your mind that quietly says, "You're going nowhere" keeps on getting louder and louder. First, it was disappointment in little things:

Car projects unfinished. Then,
Yard projects unfinished. Then,
Renovation projects unfinished.

And these in my book, according to the "big picture" are small disappointments, because I can work towards finishing them.
Then things start breaking, thanks to the world of home owning. and I start feeling financial disappointment
I lose one of my cars, bigger disappointment.
I don't know my financial future, because I might not have a job if this company goes belly up soon. Big disappointment.
In the event something happens, I no longer have savings to survive for any given time. Huge disappointment.

But I am keeping my chin up, then I think of WHY I feel disappointed.

I want my house renovated and ready for my future wife to move in. I am disappointed I'm not able to meet these deadlines.
I want to have money to take her on a wonderful honeymoon, a nice wedding, I don't want the stress of debt... But I'm failing to meet any of these.


But I am keeping my chin up, because that's not what happiness is about, right? My ultimate goal for happiness is a wife, a family, a home and good friends. And I am already halfway to that goal, because my wedding date is May 20, 2012.

Or at least WAS, because now I am losing my fiance.

I want to say we're working things out, but it's more accurate to say I feel like I'm trying to work things out, and her interest in it is... disappointing.

I have a job interview tomorrow, and it scares me because that little voice that peeps, "failure" in the back of your mind, I use to laugh and scoff at, and reply back, "Well! What about this!" and throw success right in it's imaginary face.

But I have realized how loud that voice has become when I woke up this morning and for a moment thought, "who cares if I have an interview, they're just going to turn me down anyways, just like everything and everyone else."

And that scares the crap out of me. I'm fighting the feeling of worthlessness and losing. Anyone know how to cope? Alcohol is not the answer, by the way.

[Inodoro Pereyra]

LIGHTEN UP

THE WORST ISN'T HERE YET


How's that for encouragement?

Check your PM.

[Daninski]

I hesitated posting this but my respect for you is stronger than my fear of fall out over posting this so here goes:

We all experience adversity and at times it can seem insurmountable. Your prepared to talk about it, acknowledging it and that in itself is part a healing, learning process. We think we can handle things on our own, be a man they say but a lot of times we just don't have the tools we need to figure out how to get back on a positive path. Talking about these things with family and friends or even a professional helps. When I was dealing with adversity I sought out help and realized just how unprepared I was. Like trying to fix a car with no manual, lots of failure and very little success. Discouraging. My gut feeling is your a good person worthy of success in this world so cut your self some slack. Slow down and let thing happen when they should not when you expect them too. Dan

[DeepBlueMX3]

-Sorry about my poor english...
-When we are young many things happens at same time, and this made us unsafe. Do things step by step, and don't worry so much...Give time to time.
-The things naturally happens, goods and bad things, many times we can do anything...
-You are a young man, and lives in a wonderfull country, certainly you have a good family and friends, soon all will be solved, don´t worry!
-Good luck with the interview!

Cesare.

[Nd4SpdSe]

Well life isn't easy, I've gone through many tough points in my life, and still am:

My baby sister is dead, now I'm an only child, left to carry our family's legacy, which aggrevated that;

I've been worried since I was a teenager that I'd be alone for the rest of my life. I want a family and kids, and I'm now the only one that can continue on our family, or it dies with me.

I'm 30, still single, no girlfriend, can't seem to find a girl that's interested in me. Getting a girl to even go for a coffee is like pulling teeth. Following the guys out to clubs, girls look at me like I'm some monster, no interest. I haven't gone out with them in over a month, my self-esteem can only handle so much. Currently talking to a shrink to help me fix that (mostly confidence I'm sure) and other related issues. My second last g/f was amazing, only dated for a few months, they normally only last 3-4 as usual (longest so far is 8 months), and left me to go back to her cheating, lying, controlling and insulting ex.

I'm educated, experienced, but had to join the military, where it's been nothing but BS and lies, where I'm making less money now than I did 10 years ago, getting by, but not getting ahead, where I'm feeling that I'm wasting away, just waiting it out, and with that;

I have to move away from my friend and family, moving to Quebec at the middle of October. Hoping it's for the best and that is what I need, that I'lll find my missing pieces there...

Also found out last week that in April when I get my $400/month raise, my military rents goes up $200/month too, just wonderful....

No house ownership in the near future.

I do what I can, try to stay positive, do what I do best, work at it, and keep moving forward with a plan, sadly that involve waiting a few more years to get through this military crap, but i'm doing the best with what I got.

[MrMazda92]

I have to leave for work in about 5 minutes, but I saw this and wanted to say SOMETHING before I go...

The only advice I feel I can give is something you're no doubt doing already, consolidating and letting go of the things that are less necessary or important to you. Cars are a great example... I don't know what you budget for your cars, and other pleasures, but I know what I budget for mine... I have a hard time letting go of the things I really really want to do, until something happens that is more important to my well being and future.

If I were you, I would focus on my fiance and my finances first and foremost; That will help you keep both in line, and honestly both of them will help the other. Sharing the load(both financially and emotionally) will ease your burden greatly, and it will show her a deeper level of commitment that she may not see in you already. I don't know the details of what's going poorly between you two, but I do know that I've yet to meet a woman who wouldn't appreciate seeing a guy sacrifice his wants in order to take care of his needs(remember, these are her needs as well).

I hope it works out for you, and I truly hope you keep it all together! Just keep fighting for what you need, and dreaming about what you want. That's how we puny humans survive in this cruel world, by wanting something better!

I see others have left good advice and similar stories as well, I hope that we've helped.

[Mooneggs]

I believe we have some perspectives in common that I frequently need reminding about... pm sent

[SuperK]

I wish I knew what else I could do to show her that hey, I'm completely devoted to her.

I know a lot of you aren't religious or whatnot, but I have a very good example of my ideal relationship which is best described by my religion:

It doesn't matter what diety you believe in. They have their set of rules that you must follow. I.E. Ten commandments. Of course they're there for a reason too, my belief is they improve your quality of life. Don't steal, don't spread rumors, don't cheat, don't kill. They're a guideline for a healthy society, and of course, rules for ultimately, promised eternal life. There are two ways you can follow your God. Fear of consequence, or out of respect and love.

For Example: Do not Steal.
Obedience by fear of consequence would sound something like this, "I am not going to steal. Because I will go to jail. I WANT to steal, but I won't, because I don't want to go to jail"
So your driving motivation not to steal is... the consequence, jailtime.

Obedience by Respect and Love would sound something like this, "I am not going to steal. Because I will disappoint X. My goal is to make X happy, therefore, I want NOT to steal."
Driving motivation is actually more of a "heart change" so to speak, a completely different mindset, where the desire to steal is gone, and replaced with a new goal.


I believe this model should be mirrored in our relationships with our significant others. Do not lie, deceive, or betray your other's trust.

So Fear of Consequence in a relationship would sound like this: "I won't lie to him/her. Because he/she will be mad and yell at me when he finds out. I don't want him to find out, but he will, so I will tell him."


Whereas respect and love would say, "I will to lie to him. It would disappoint him/her. My goal is to make him/her happy, so therefore I WANT NOT to lie to him/her."

All grey areas immediately disappear. "This will disappoint my fiance. My greatest goal is to not disappoint my fiance." End of story, it doesn't matter what it is anymore, it doesn't matter how silly it is.

And that's how I live my life for my fiance, out of respect and love.

She on the other hand, lives out of fear of consequences, her heart is still centered on herself, and there's nothing I can do about it. I want her so bad to WANT to treat me good, not because I'll get mad, or shut myself off from her, but because she'd rather do without to make me happy. Because I have been doing without so much for her, and have been loving every moment of it when it makes her happy. In fact, I wear it as a badge, "Look at what I didn't do, just to make you happy! It was great!" and I want to show it off to everyone.

[Ryan]

K of Super, I must first of all say you have THE MOST interesting posts to read. I love how you use language intelligently, and based on that observation alone, I think you are intelligent in general. Since you're intelligent, you're reasonable, and you can sort this all out with some time and determination.

I don't know how your fiance works, but I think in general most women like to know that you have weakness. This may sound backwards, but if she knows that you're struggling and genuinely trying your best to keep her and handle all of this other stuff, so she knows... she'll be more inclined to appreciate (read, love) you.

If you're a stoic brick (or a joker, or some other facade) all the time and bottle up your struggles and fears and depression, she doesn't understand you anymore, and loses interest.

The other thing I do with myself as a defense mechanism to deal with stress and life and such is to remove myself from the situation, I think in third person. This make decision making simple. If it makes sense, do it. Don't argue with your emotions and how you feel and if you're scared or nervous....

Thats all my 20 year old self has to offer.

I honestly hope you get this all sorted out.

Ryan

[Evo_Spec]

I've been trying to think of something to say all day since i've seen this post but couldn't come up with something better than what i have here, so sorry if it's not that great.

Right now i'm kind of going through a rough situation with financials and such and i've been down lately even though i have a great gf and a beautiful baby girl.
though my financials are so rough that i have to move back in my parents with the addition of my family, really thinking about it i'm still in a good situation with the other aspects of my life (gf, and kid) which means nothing is really "wrong" with my life.
(this part might not make too much sense as i'm not sure exactly how to explain it) What is wrong is how i'm looking at it or how i take all this in mentally, for some reason there's things that are bugging me and taking me down really hard to the point where i don't really want to live (don't take that wrong, i don't want to kill myself and won't purposely do anything to put myself in a position where i'll die, i just don't feel like doing anything really) so since there's really nothing "wrong" with my life then everything is all about how i'm thinking about things, i must be so focused of the negative aspects i can't enjoy the positives.

so out of that whole thing what i'm really trying to say is:
as hard as it is, maybe it works so that if you can find a way to really focus on the good aspects of life, maybe we can get the negative things to really not look that bad and maybe it'll make them easier to tackle.
like......cleaning your whole kitchen after baking (or at least for me, stuff gets places i haven't even been) if you look at the whole kitchen it's a really big project, but if you look at just the sink it seems manageable and after that only looking at the stove is another easy thing to clean, before you know it the whole kitchen is clean. (not sure if that analogy made sense but i tried )

hope all goes well, think positive!

-Shayne

(in case your at all worried, i've been doing better lately =) )

[MrMazda92]

This all makes my current worries seem frivolous. :/ Well... except Trial next month, that actually has some potential to screw things up... Other than that, I feel like my current problems aren't as bad as I did before.

Life can throw you some curveballs, that's for sure... we can't control what life gives us, but we can control how we respond. Every situation should be looked at as 10% action, and 90% reaction; If you make the informed, careful choice, you've got nothing to be ashamed of, and nothing to regret.

My girlfriend and I have been doing some soul-searching for a while now, in an attempt to understand what we both truly need both as individuals, and as a couple. We were letting "life" get between us, and it damn near ended the relationship. I think no relationship is beyond saving, especially if those involved truly want to stay involved.

People here are caring, and a lot of what I have read has surprised me. My eyes have been opened for sure, just by reading the replies here.

[Dark_Rider2k3]

I just wanted to give you my best as well. I know how it feels.. to feel like your in a hole that keeps getting deeper and you are trying to climb out but something keeps holding you in... I felt like that with my car when I kept having troubles.

But I know that things will getter for you. I can tell even without knowing you in person that you are strong enough to overcome any obstacle that gets in your way. And as you can clearly see the MX community is here for you as well. And I'll pray that your girlfriend and your relationship works itself out. She should realize that you are trying..

[wytbishop]

And that's how I live my life for my fiance, out of respect and love.

She on the other hand, lives out of fear of consequences, her heart is still centered on herself, and there's nothing I can do about it. I want her so bad to WANT to treat me good, not because I'll get mad, or shut myself off from her, but because she'd rather do without to make me happy. Because I have been doing without so much for her, and have been loving every moment of it when it makes her happy. In fact, I wear it as a badge, "Look at what I didn't do, just to make you happy! It was great!" and I want to show it off to everyone.

All I can say about that is, when you find the one who is "THE ONE" you do this without thought. People don't put the well being or needs of their spouse ahead of their own, or expect the other to tolerate it when we don't, wind up divorsed.

Now, some people are more self centered than others. My wife is naturally more inclined to become very self involved when she's annoyed or angry. I accept this because she's a hot headed person and over the years we've worked on that and she's improving. But if I were unwilling to accept that and she was unwilling to change it we would not be married.

Making a sacrifice for the one you love is an involuntary response when you are truly and completely in love.

[onlytrueromeo]

Inevitably, we all get in over our heads with projects. It is important to prioritize the projects at this point, see which ones NEED to get done, and which ones can wait. I had to limit my house projects / temporarily stop them for the last few months and into the next few months. There is much to be done, but I talked with my fiance' about it, and we were OK leaving things in a cosmetic mess to prevent me from stressing out and working 24/7 or going broke by trying to do too much at once.

I have not touched my car since before I moved, 9+ months ago.

Finances suck. I hate having to worry about money. I am very lucky to have a stable job, where I don't worry about getting laid off in the future. My fiance's story is different though, and watching her struggle with the thought of losing a job is awful. I cannot relate to you on that, but I can say that as an outsider, it is hard as well. Maybe your fiance' feels this as well? Are you honest about it? Is she scared for you? Or just superficial/self centered? You say she lives out of fear of consequences - I cannot help but think that is a product of environment or raising as a child.

Communication is key. Talk with the wife to be about how you're feeling. Sometimes it takes getting MAD to get points across. Fights aren't always a bad thing, and show the other person you care. Is there a reason she is not living with you already? (Religion?, etc?)

I agree with Charlie though - it comes naturally to think about the one you love at the same time you think about yourself. Not to say that it is always like this though. I definitely went through a time where I thought my needs were more important. Hell, sometimes I still think about buying things I WANT even though I know we can't really afford it because as a couple there are more important things we should be doing. The important thing is that I realize it before I make the purchase/decision. No ones perfect. Maybe she just needs to talk about it and is one of those people that does not like to open up all the time. Maybe she is too young right now? In the end, it takes 2 people to keep a relationship going. She has to be as willing as you to fight for it. Otherwise, you are just setting yourself up to get hurt even more.

Best of luck, and I hope things work out for the better in all categories.

[SuperK]

Thanks guys for everyone's help, and those who have PM'ed me, I really appreciate it.


I am glad to announce I got the new job, I'll be Tier II Support Technician at Electric Power Board in Chattanooga.


I wish I had better news about my... I guess can't call her fiance at this point. We're taking a 4 month break from each other, so she can figure out what she wants in life. She's going to see if she can dedicate herself to me even when we're away, and if she even wants to do so. If she wants something different out of her life, we'll come back together and talk, then either continue or end.

It'll be a hard next couple months.