a BIOS update would likely have solved it, but they don't update my board any longer. i then considered updating my mobo, but have yet to see any newer boards with RCA video output, which i need for the AVswitcher that is tied into my OEM NAV screen. i then began looking for a way for tie in VGA input while still keeping the AVswitcher, which I also use for reverse camera, all while preserving the nav system.
i then decided screw the SSD, it's going into my laptop instead.
after thinking on it some, i did some research and found this:
http://www.the12volt.com/relays/page5.asp#ctm
modifying it slightly so that instead of sending a 12V momentary pulse, it momentarily closes a circuit. here's what it looks like built:

i spliced this into the 12v on the carPC's M2-ATX power supply and ran the pins to the reset pins on the mobo. instantly on power, before the screen even turns on, before the BIOS even posts, the board has been reset. basically added about .25 seconds to my bootup. and unbelievably it works. the SSD is picked up every time!
nobody probably cares, but i just wanted to happily share my 8 dollar solution to what would otherwise have been a really frustrating problem. yay for me!