Greatest Jokes
-
GregoryChristian
- Supporting Member
- Posts: 1413
- Joined: March 4th, 2003, 2:01 am
- Location: Gulf Coast
** DUMB BLONDE JOKE **
Q. How does a BLONDE chick kill a fish ?
A. She DROWNS it !
Q. How does a BLONDE chick kill a fish ?
A. She DROWNS it !
** My MX-3 ** http://www.cardomain.com/ride/360367
-
jschrauwen
- Forum Moderator
- Posts: 6052
- Joined: September 27th, 2003, 2:01 am
- Location: Frankford, Ontario, Canada
- Contact:
Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus
Here's a prime example of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus" offered by an English professor from the University of Phoenix:
The professor told his class one day: "Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. As homework tonight, one of you will write the first paragraph of a short story. You will e-mail your partner that paragraph and send another copy to me. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story and send it back, so sending another copy to me. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back-and-forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking outside of the e-mails and anything you wish to say must be written in the e-mail. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached."
The following was actually turned in by two of his English students: Rebecca and Gary.
THE STORY:
(first paragraph by Rebecca)
At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.
(second paragraph by Gary)
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.
(Rebecca) He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspaper to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.
(Gary ) Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace disarmament Treaty through the congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid Laurie.
(Rebecca) This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent.
(Gary) Yeah? Well, my writing partner is a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium.
"Oh, shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of F--KING TEA??? Oh no, what am I to do? I'm such an air headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele novels!"
(Rebecca) a--hole.
(Gary) b----
(Rebecca) F__K YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!
(Gary) Go drink some tea - whore.
(TEACHER) A+ - I really liked this one.
The professor told his class one day: "Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. As homework tonight, one of you will write the first paragraph of a short story. You will e-mail your partner that paragraph and send another copy to me. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story and send it back, so sending another copy to me. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back-and-forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking outside of the e-mails and anything you wish to say must be written in the e-mail. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached."
The following was actually turned in by two of his English students: Rebecca and Gary.
THE STORY:
(first paragraph by Rebecca)
At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.
(second paragraph by Gary)
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.
(Rebecca) He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspaper to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.
(Gary ) Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace disarmament Treaty through the congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid Laurie.
(Rebecca) This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent.
(Gary) Yeah? Well, my writing partner is a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium.
"Oh, shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of F--KING TEA??? Oh no, what am I to do? I'm such an air headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele novels!"
(Rebecca) a--hole.
(Gary) b----
(Rebecca) F__K YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!
(Gary) Go drink some tea - whore.
(TEACHER) A+ - I really liked this one.
Last edited by jschrauwen on October 11th, 2005, 10:10 am, edited 1 time in total.
'92 GS-ZE - sold, '95 GS - sold, '02 Protege LX - Daughter, '00 Audi A4 2.8 QTip, Ducati TT2
90 JDM RHD 300ZX TT - 572.1 RWHP | 590.0 RWTQ | 21 PSI | Pump gas
90 JDM RHD 300ZX TT - 572.1 RWHP | 590.0 RWTQ | 21 PSI | Pump gas
-
jschrauwen
- Forum Moderator
- Posts: 6052
- Joined: September 27th, 2003, 2:01 am
- Location: Frankford, Ontario, Canada
- Contact:
Priceless
Priceless
The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad new is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles." Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need... a new suit."
He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let'ssee... size 44long."
Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.
Joe tried on the suit.. it fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked,"How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck."
Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years." replied the tailor.Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked,"How about some new underwear?"
Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure."The salesman said, "Let's see...size 36."
Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you; I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 Years old."
The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."
New suit - $400 New shirt - $75 New underwear - $10
Second Opinion - PRICELESS
The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad new is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles." Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need... a new suit."
He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let'ssee... size 44long."
Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.
Joe tried on the suit.. it fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked,"How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck."
Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years." replied the tailor.Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked,"How about some new underwear?"
Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure."The salesman said, "Let's see...size 36."
Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you; I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 Years old."
The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."
New suit - $400 New shirt - $75 New underwear - $10
Second Opinion - PRICELESS
'92 GS-ZE - sold, '95 GS - sold, '02 Protege LX - Daughter, '00 Audi A4 2.8 QTip, Ducati TT2
90 JDM RHD 300ZX TT - 572.1 RWHP | 590.0 RWTQ | 21 PSI | Pump gas
90 JDM RHD 300ZX TT - 572.1 RWHP | 590.0 RWTQ | 21 PSI | Pump gas
-
jschrauwen
- Forum Moderator
- Posts: 6052
- Joined: September 27th, 2003, 2:01 am
- Location: Frankford, Ontario, Canada
- Contact:
The Perfect Password:
A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, she told him that he would now need to enter a password. Something he could remember easily and will use each time he has to log on.
The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention.
So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in...
P...
E...
N...
I...
S...
His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:
***PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH**
A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, she told him that he would now need to enter a password. Something he could remember easily and will use each time he has to log on.
The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention.
So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in...
P...
E...
N...
I...
S...
His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:
***PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH**
'92 GS-ZE - sold, '95 GS - sold, '02 Protege LX - Daughter, '00 Audi A4 2.8 QTip, Ducati TT2
90 JDM RHD 300ZX TT - 572.1 RWHP | 590.0 RWTQ | 21 PSI | Pump gas
90 JDM RHD 300ZX TT - 572.1 RWHP | 590.0 RWTQ | 21 PSI | Pump gas
-
koreanmx-er
- Regular Member
- Posts: 369
- Joined: September 16th, 2002, 2:01 am
- Location: minnesota
good one
how do you turn a fruit into a vegetable????
have a white tiger drag it across a stage!!!
have a white tiger drag it across a stage!!!
sold the mx-3 , bought 04 gtp comp g , from the smallest v6 to one of the biggest 3800 s/c FTW
-
Tunes67
- Supporting Member
- Posts: 4708
- Joined: January 27th, 2005, 6:36 pm
- Location: Everett, WA
- Contact:
My favorite blonde joke...
A blonde guy is out driving his brand new BMW when he gets caught in a violent hail storm. When he gets his car home he discovers that the hail really did a lot of damage to the car and the next day he heads for his local body shop to get an estimate on how much it will cost to get fixed. When he arrives at the body shop.. the repair man notices that this guy isnt the brightest bulb in the bunch and decides to have a bit of fun with the guy...
Repair man: Well if you want to save a bit of money.. here is how you can fix this damage at home on your own. Drive home.. let the car cool down.. then blow into the tail pipe as hard as you can until all the dents pop out.
Blonde guy: Thanks sir!! I will go home now and take care of it!!
The blonde guy gets home and waits for his car to cool down.. then goes out and starts blowing as hard as he can into the tail pipe.. 1st time.. nothing happens.. 2nd time.. nothing happens.. he is about to try one more time when his blonde girlfriend shows up and asks him what he is doing...
Blonde guy: The autobody repair man told me if I blow into the tailpipe really hard that I can pop all the dents from the hail storm back out of the car body!! But so far I havent had much luck..
Blonde Girlfriend: Well DUH!!! You have to roll the windows up first!!
Tunes67
A blonde guy is out driving his brand new BMW when he gets caught in a violent hail storm. When he gets his car home he discovers that the hail really did a lot of damage to the car and the next day he heads for his local body shop to get an estimate on how much it will cost to get fixed. When he arrives at the body shop.. the repair man notices that this guy isnt the brightest bulb in the bunch and decides to have a bit of fun with the guy...
Repair man: Well if you want to save a bit of money.. here is how you can fix this damage at home on your own. Drive home.. let the car cool down.. then blow into the tail pipe as hard as you can until all the dents pop out.
Blonde guy: Thanks sir!! I will go home now and take care of it!!
The blonde guy gets home and waits for his car to cool down.. then goes out and starts blowing as hard as he can into the tail pipe.. 1st time.. nothing happens.. 2nd time.. nothing happens.. he is about to try one more time when his blonde girlfriend shows up and asks him what he is doing...
Blonde guy: The autobody repair man told me if I blow into the tailpipe really hard that I can pop all the dents from the hail storm back out of the car body!! But so far I havent had much luck..
Blonde Girlfriend: Well DUH!!! You have to roll the windows up first!!
Tunes67
"So long.. and thanks for all the fish!" "Momma says VW Bugs are the devil" "This one time at band camp.. I stuck a flute in my Throttle Body"
"Screw you guys.. I am goin home"
I am the Cranky God of Mods!!! Tremble before my fury!! LOL
"Screw you guys.. I am goin home"
I am the Cranky God of Mods!!! Tremble before my fury!! LOL
-
relisys_3200
- Regular Member
- Posts: 875
- Joined: November 11th, 2004, 2:01 am
- Location: London / Ontario / Canada
- Contact:
-
Tunes67
- Supporting Member
- Posts: 4708
- Joined: January 27th, 2005, 6:36 pm
- Location: Everett, WA
- Contact:
Yeah I am alive.. been very busy the past month or so.. Ex-GF/Moving/truck issues.. almost straightened out now though.. Plus the boss has gotten very picky about using the computers at work for personal use 
He isnt here today Basically it all adds up to me not being around much.. I just got new furniture into my house and have cleaned all the carpets and I am nearly finished with getting all my stuff back into place.. only thing left is my computer room at home. So at home right now I only have my laptop up and running.. I hate typing on it.. so I usually just use it to check messages. I am around though and a few of you guys even have me on MSN messenger.. its probably the easiest way to get ahold of me.. add me if you want.. emerick@hotmail.com. Make sure to send me a PM here if you are adding me to your list. I get a lot of people just adding me to send spam so they get deleted right off. Hope all is going well for you guys and cheers... Oh and one more joke...
My Ex Girlfriend <--- Inside joke.. and not even that funny.. but its the best way to describe her.
Cheers
Tunes67
He isnt here today Basically it all adds up to me not being around much.. I just got new furniture into my house and have cleaned all the carpets and I am nearly finished with getting all my stuff back into place.. only thing left is my computer room at home. So at home right now I only have my laptop up and running.. I hate typing on it.. so I usually just use it to check messages. I am around though and a few of you guys even have me on MSN messenger.. its probably the easiest way to get ahold of me.. add me if you want.. emerick@hotmail.com. Make sure to send me a PM here if you are adding me to your list. I get a lot of people just adding me to send spam so they get deleted right off. Hope all is going well for you guys and cheers... Oh and one more joke...My Ex Girlfriend <--- Inside joke.. and not even that funny.. but its the best way to describe her.
Cheers
Tunes67
"So long.. and thanks for all the fish!" "Momma says VW Bugs are the devil" "This one time at band camp.. I stuck a flute in my Throttle Body"
"Screw you guys.. I am goin home"
I am the Cranky God of Mods!!! Tremble before my fury!! LOL
"Screw you guys.. I am goin home"
I am the Cranky God of Mods!!! Tremble before my fury!! LOL
-Jim-
ScooterBovine
- Supporting Member
- Posts: 502
- Joined: May 9th, 2004, 2:01 am
- Location: Blacklick, Ohio
Q: Why don't women wear watches?freyguy_412 wrote:Classic woman bashing here.
(NOTE: I do not approve of degrading/abusing women in any way. The jokes are just good in my opinion. Just like a funny racial joke. Not intended to be offensive, DO NOT TAKE IT TO HEART!)
Q: When is the only time a woman is ever above a man?
A: When the kitchen is on the second floor...
Q: Why are a woman's feet shorter in length to a man's?
A: So they can stand closer to the stove...
Q: Why did the woman cross the road?
A: I don't care. What the hell is she doing out of the kitchen...
Q: What do you tell a girl with two black eyes?
A: Nothin'... you already told the beech.... TWICE...
A: The clock is on the stove!
No more MX-3.
-
ScooterBovine
- Supporting Member
- Posts: 502
- Joined: May 9th, 2004, 2:01 am
- Location: Blacklick, Ohio
I have a pizza joke, but it's cheesey!
A horse walks into a bar, and the bartender asks, "Hey buddy, why the long face?"
Last night, I dreamt that I was a muffler, and I woke up exhuasted!
Have you heard the bed joke? I haven't, it hasn't been made yet!
Have you heard the circle joke? You should have, it's been "around" for a long time!
I bought some coffee from the gas station the other day. It tasted like MUD! I told the attendant, and she replied, "Yes sir, it's fresh ground!"
A horse walks into a bar, and the bartender asks, "Hey buddy, why the long face?"
Last night, I dreamt that I was a muffler, and I woke up exhuasted!
Have you heard the bed joke? I haven't, it hasn't been made yet!
Have you heard the circle joke? You should have, it's been "around" for a long time!
I bought some coffee from the gas station the other day. It tasted like MUD! I told the attendant, and she replied, "Yes sir, it's fresh ground!"
No more MX-3.
-
neverenuff
- Supporting Member
- Posts: 608
- Joined: January 24th, 2002, 2:01 am
- Location: BLACKWOOD N.J.
I posted this back in May, but I love this one so here it goes again for those of you that havent heard or read this one.
A very lucky lesson learned!!!!!
My girlfriend and I had been dating for over four years, and so we decided to get engaged. My parents supported us in every way and my friends were also very encourageing, and as for my girlfriend? She's the love of my life! There was only one thing bothering me, and that was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law is 19 years of age, and wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses all the time. She would regularly bend over when near me and I would regulary get a pleasant view of her thong. She would never do it when anyone else was around. One day little sister called and asked me to come over to pick up some wedding mags my future wife wanted. She was alone when I got there. I went to the bathroom and asked her to put the mags in a box as there was to many to carry by hand.Got out the bathroom and sat down while i waited for her to get them together. She brought out the box and then sat down next to me.She then whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome them. She told me that she wanted to have sex with me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. Then she said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want me to try and turn you out then just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car. When I noticed my future father-in-law was standing beside my car. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."
"The moral of this story is:"
"Always keep your condoms in your car."
A very lucky lesson learned!!!!!
My girlfriend and I had been dating for over four years, and so we decided to get engaged. My parents supported us in every way and my friends were also very encourageing, and as for my girlfriend? She's the love of my life! There was only one thing bothering me, and that was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law is 19 years of age, and wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses all the time. She would regularly bend over when near me and I would regulary get a pleasant view of her thong. She would never do it when anyone else was around. One day little sister called and asked me to come over to pick up some wedding mags my future wife wanted. She was alone when I got there. I went to the bathroom and asked her to put the mags in a box as there was to many to carry by hand.Got out the bathroom and sat down while i waited for her to get them together. She brought out the box and then sat down next to me.She then whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome them. She told me that she wanted to have sex with me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. Then she said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want me to try and turn you out then just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car. When I noticed my future father-in-law was standing beside my car. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."
"The moral of this story is:"
"Always keep your condoms in your car."