Greatest Jokes

[steelcity3]

How quickly can you find out what is so unusual about this paragraph? It looks so ordinary that you would think that nothing is wrong with it at all, and, in fact, nothing is. But it is unusual. Why? If you look at it, study it and think about it, you may find out, but I am not going to assist you in any way. You must do it without coaching. No doubt, if you work at it for long, it will dawn on you. Who knows? Go to work and try your skill. Par is about half an hour. So jump to it and try your skill at figuring it out. Good luck -- don't blow your cool.

[steelcity3]

One day little Johnny's grandpa died. When he asked his father where grandpa was, his dad replied "Well son, God decided that he needed Grandpa up in heaven more than here on earth, so he lifted him up to heaven."

A few days later, Johnny heard his mother screaming in the bedroom. He went and told his father "Mommy almost died today." The dad yelled "WHAT HAPPENED TO MOMMY?!" "Well" Johnny said, "I think the mailman almost killed her because I saw him on top of her and she was screaming "Oh God, Im coming!"

[steelcity3]

Can you rearrange the letters of new door to make one word?

[steelcity3]

A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him.
The son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and Dad doing?"
The mother replies "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it."

"You're wasting your time," said the boy.

"Why is that?" asked his mom, puzzled.

"Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up."

[steelcity3]

Tools and their proper usage


DRILL PRESS

A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.



WIRE WHEEL

Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the work bench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouch...."



PLIERS

Used to round off bolt heads.



HACKSAW

One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.



VISE-GRIPS

Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.



OXYACETYLENE TORCH

Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a wheel hub you're trying to get the bearing race out of.



WHITWORTH SOCKETS

Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or ½ socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.



HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK

Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new disk brake pads, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.



EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4

Used for levering an automobile upward off a hydraulic jack handle.



PHONE

Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.



SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER

Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-do off your boot.



E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR

A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.



TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST

A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of bolts and fuel lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.



CRAFTSMAN ½ x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER

A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.



AVIATION METAL SNIPS

See hacksaw.



PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER

Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.



PRY BAR

A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.



HOSE CUTTER

A tool used to cut hoses ½ inch too short.



HAMMER

Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

[steelcity3]

Why was the blonde so happy when she finished a puzzle in 18 months?

B/C it said 3-4 years on the box.....!!!!!

[steelcity3]

A woman went to the undertakers to have one last look at her dearly departed
husband. The instant she saw him she starts crying. One of the undertakers
strides up to provide comfort in this somber moment.
Through her tears she explains that she is upset because her dearest Albert
was wearing a black suit, and it was his dying wish to be buried in a blue
suit. The undertaker apologizes and explains that, traditionally, they
always put the bodies in a black suit, but he'd see what he could arrange.

The next day she returned to the undertakers to have one last moment with
Albert before his funeral the following day. When the undertaker pulls back
the curtain, she manages to smile through her tears as Albert is resplendent
in a smart blue suit.
She says to the undertaker, "Wonderful, but where did you get that beautiful
blue suit?"
"Well, yesterday afternoon after you left, a man about your husband's size
was brought in & he was wearing a blue suit. His wife explained that she was
very upset as he had always wanted to be buried in a black suit," the
undertaker replied.

The wife smiled at the man.

He continued, "After that, it was simply a matter of swapping the heads."

[mymx.3]

I you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

(Hardly seems worth it)



If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.

(Now that's more like it!)




The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.

(O.M.G.!)



A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.

(In my next life, I want to be a pig)



A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy)

(I'm still not over the pig.)



Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour.

(Don't try this at home, maybe at work)



The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.

("Honey, I'm home. What the...?!)



The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.

(30 minutes..lucky pig! Can you imagine?)



The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.

(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)



Some lions mate over 50 times a day.

(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)



Butterflies taste with their feet.

(Something I always wanted to know.)



The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

(Hmmmmmm.........)



Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.

(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)



Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.

(Okay, so that would be a good thing)



A cat's urine glows under a black light.

(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)



An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some people like that)



Starfish have no brains.

(I know some people like that too)



Polar bears are left-handed.

(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)



Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

(What about that pig??)


DEB

[vozaday2000]

^ AWESOME

[Nd4SpdSe]

A man and a woman are sitting next to each other at a bar, both getting drunk. The man turns to the woman and asks her why she's so down.
"My husband just left me. He said I'm too kinky in bed," she replied.
"What a coincidence! My wife just left me," said the man. "She told me that I was too kinky for her, too!"
The two talk a little while longer, and finding that they have so much in common they decide to go back to the woman's house to have kinky sex.
When they get to her house she turns to the man and says, "Give me ten minutes, I want to slip into something more comfortable." She goes into the bathroom and changes into a full leather, jet black dominatrix outfit.
However, as she's coming out of her bathroom, the man is putting on his coat and walking out the door.
"What happened?", she said. "I thought you wanted to have kinky sex?"
He looks at her and says, "Well, I just screwed your dog and s--- in your purse. I'm done."

A nun and a priest were traveling across the desert and realized halfway across that the camel they were using for transportation was about to die. They set up a make-shift camp, hoping someone would come to their rescue, but to no avail. Soon the camel died.
After several days of not being rescued, they agreed that they were not going to be rescued. They prayed a lot (of course), and they discussed their predicament in great depth.
Finally the priest said to the nun, "You know, Sister, I am about to die, and there's always been one thing I've wanted here on earth to see a woman naked. Would you mind taking off your clothes so I can look at you?"
The nun thought about his request for several seconds and then agreed to take off her clothes. As she was doing so, she remarked, "Well, Father, now that I think about it, I've never seen a man naked, either. Would you mind taking off your clothes, too?"
With little hesitation, the priest also stripped.
Suddenly the nun exclaimed, "Father! What is that little thing hanging between your legs?"
The priest patiently answered, "That, my child, is a gift from God. If I put it in you, it creates a new life."
"Well," responded the nun, "forget about me. Stick it in the camel and lets get the hell out of here!"

A man walks to 5th Ave. & 42nd St. in New York City during a downpour and somehow manages to get a taxi immediately. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Sheldon."
"Who?"
"Sheldon Cohen. There's a guy who did everything right. Like my cab being vacant during a rainstorm. It would have happened like that for Sheldon every single time."
"Well, no one is perfect. There are always a few clouds over everybody", stated the passenger.
"Not Sheldon," said the cabbie. "He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star. Handsome and sophisticated, more than Cary Grant. He had a better body than Arnold in his prime. He was something!
"Somehow Sheldon just knew exactly how to make women happy," the cabbie continued. "He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which fork to eat with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole neighbourhood blacks out."
"Wow, incredible , no wonder you remember him!" said the passenger.
"Well, I never actually met Sheldon," admitted the cabbie.
"Then how do you know so much about him?" asked the passenger.
"After he died, I married his wife."

First-year students at Med School were receiving their first Anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them: "In medicine, it Is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor. The first is That you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body." For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth." Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it. When everyone had finished, the Professor looked at them and told them, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my Middle finger and sucked on my Index finger. Now learn to pay attention."

Grandma and Grandpa were watching a healing service on TV. The evangelist called to all who wanted to be healed to go to their TV set, place one hand on the TV and the other hand on the body part where they wanted to be healed. Grandma got up and slowly hobbled to the TV, placed her right hand on the set and her left hand on her arthritic shoulder that was causing her to have great pain.
Then Grandpa got up, went to the TV, placed his right hand on the set and his left hand on his crotch.
Grandma scowled at him and said, "I guess you just don't get it. The purpose of doing this is to heal the sick, not to raise the dead."

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimetres from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much. "The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."

[twoie]

two condoms are walking down the street and pass a gay bar. One looks at the other and says; hey lets stop in and get shat faced!!

[Bochek]

How quickly can you find out what is so unusual about this paragraph? It looks so ordinary that you would think that nothing is wrong with it at all, and, in fact, nothing is. But it is unusual. Why? If you look at it, study it and think about it, you may find out, but I am not going to assist you in any way. You must do it without coaching. No doubt, if you work at it for long, it will dawn on you. Who knows? Go to work and try your skill. Par is about half an hour. So jump to it and try your skill at figuring it out. Good luck -- don't blow your cool.

theres no letter 'E' in the whole paragraph

[ariesdude]

There was a guy who had been having chronic trouble in trying to
get an erection. After weeks of frustration, he finally breaks
down and goes to the doctor. The doctor gives him a thorough
examination and finally makes the diagnosis.

"Well, there's good news and there's bad news," she says. "The
bad news is that the muscles around your penis are deteriorating,
and there is no cure."


The guy, on the verge of panic, finally regains his composure.

"So what's the good news?" he asks.

The doctor says, "There is an experimental treatment available,
but there are no guarantees. It involves transplanting the
muscles from a baby elephant's trunk into your penis. Would you
like to try it?"

The guy thinks about it and finally says, "Well, the thought of
going through life without being able to have sex is just too
much for me. What have I got to lose? Let's do it."

So the doctor performs the operation.

A few weeks later, the guy takes his girlfriend out to a nice
restaurant to celebrate his new equipment. While sitting at the
table, he feels a stirring between his legs; it gets
progressively worse until it reaches the point of being painful.

Seeking relief, he reaches down and unzips his fly to relieve
some of the pressure.

Suddenly, his penis leaps free from his pants, slides over the
tabletop and grabs a dinner roll, then returns to his pants
again.

"Wow!" says his stunned girlfriend, "That was impressive! Can you
do that again?"

Eyes watering and face flushed, he says, "Probably...But I don't
know if I can fit another dinner roll up my a$$!"
_____________________________________________________________

[PATDIESEL]

This is the best thread on MX-3.com ever.

[sheryl6541]

Q: Why did the blonde run with the bike?

A: It was going too fast for her to get on.