Greatest Jokes

relisys_3200 · Post by **relisys_3200** » October 18th, 2005, 10:16 pm

Lets quote a classic from an honoured member

circa May 31st, 2001

David Coleman wrote:Two cannibals are eating a clown and one says to the other, "does this taste funny to you?

Franko · Post by **Franko** » October 18th, 2005, 10:43 pm

Why do ducks have webbed feet? To stomp out forest fires.. Why do elephants have flat feet? To stomp out burning ducks..

Meep · Post by **Meep** » October 19th, 2005, 4:12 pm

Ahh you guys crack me up... its too bad I don't have internet at work...

Legato626 · Post by **Legato626** » October 19th, 2005, 8:09 pm

1st girl: Dad why did you name me rose. Because when you were born I got your mom some roses and a pedal fell off and landed on your head so we named you rose.

2ed girl: Dad why did you name me daisy. Because when you were born I got your mom some daisies and a pedal fell off and landed on your head so we named you daisy.

3rd girl: Daud whay diod yoau nae...... SHUTUP SINDER BLOCK!!!

jschrauwen · Post by **jschrauwen** » October 25th, 2005, 8:57 am

Having trouble sleeping??

http://www.qsleeper.com

bmwm3guy · Post by **bmwm3guy** » October 25th, 2005, 9:16 am

jschrauwen wrote:Having trouble sleeping??

http://www.qsleeper.com

Now if it had a bathroom built in, It'd be SOLD!

The worst part is that some people will bite into that.

Legato626 · Post by **Legato626** » October 25th, 2005, 4:23 pm

If you like to have sex that is probably not the best idea =)

relisys_3200 · Post by **relisys_3200** » October 25th, 2005, 5:03 pm

I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I
>had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get
>married. There was only one little thing bothering me..it
>was her beautiful younger sister.
>
> My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore
>very tight miniskirts, and generally was braless. She would
>regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always
>got more than a pleasant view of her private parts. It had
>to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near
>anyone else.
>
> One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over
>to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I
>arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and
>desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me
>that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got
>married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in
>total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going
>upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild
>fling, just come up and get me."
>
> I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her
>go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled off
>her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.
> I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a
>beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door,
>and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold,
>my entire future family was standing outside all clapping!
> With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me
>and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test.....we
couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."
>
>And the moral of this story is:
>
>
>Always keep your condoms in your car!!!!!!

Legato626 · Post by **Legato626** » October 25th, 2005, 6:51 pm

O MAN THIS IS A GOOD ONE!!! I LIKE THAT ONE THATS FUNNY!!!

fieromx3 · Post by **fieromx3** » October 25th, 2005, 8:36 pm

i found this one on vitalmotion website that spoonedcivic posted.

A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a beaver sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, "bang, bang" and the beaver fell dead. What do you think of that?"

The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else shot that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

95 rs · Post by **95 rs** » October 25th, 2005, 9:42 pm

so theres an american a german and a native flying over a lake from a moose hunting tripand the pilot says they need to lose weight because the plane is over loaded. so the american throws out all his clothes, the native says i can get moose meat anytime so he throws his share out the plane. the german is wondering what he can throw off the plane to make it light and he finally thinkso of something. he looks at the native and smiles......

what do u call 500 natives swinning in the ocean? the indy 500

what do you call 500 white guys chasing 1 black guy? the pga tour

Nd4SpdSe · Post by **Nd4SpdSe** » October 29th, 2005, 9:40 am

From VitalMotion

A couple were invited to a swanky family masked fancy dress Halloween party. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early, decided to go to the party. As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice "chick" he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe! herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.

After more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate intercourse in the back seat. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behaviour.

She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had. "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"

He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening."
"You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all nigh! t!" she said with unashamed sarcasm. To which the husband replied, "Actually, I gave my costume to your Dad, apparently he had the time of his life."

schuttie2002 · Post by **schuttie2002** » November 4th, 2005, 12:16 am

^ nastiest funniest s--- ever

schuttie2002 · Post by **schuttie2002** » November 4th, 2005, 12:28 am

What do you call a bleached blonde doing a handstand?

A brunette with bad breath!

Going Back to school

A 40 yr old decides to go back to school. He doesnt know what classes to take so he asks this younger guy to help him out. The old guy asks what a good easy class to take is and the younger guy responds by telling him to take a logic class
Old Guy: whats that class about
Young Guy: Well its simple let me see if I can explain it to ya. Well Do you have a dog house?
OG: yea sure
YG: so you have a dog right?
OG: of course
YG: well thats logic. Because you have a dog house you probably have a dog right? and you have a nice back yard for the dog, which means you probably have a family right?
OG: yep we have a big back yard and I have a wonderful family, Ive been married for 18 years.
YG: see thats logic man! and because your married your obviously strait right?
OG: yep sure am. strait as an arrow! hey thanks buddy I think I'll definately take that class.
YG: no problem

Another older guy approaches the 1st old guy and says: hey I herd you talking to that younger dude about a logic class, whats that all about?

1st OG: well its pretty simple, let me see if I can explain it to ya. Hmmm...do you have a dog house?
2nd OG: nope why?
1st OG: Nevermind FAG!

vozaday2000 · Post by **vozaday2000** » November 4th, 2005, 9:14 am

^ nice. some of these jokes are hilarious